Wednesday, October 22, 2014

I Shouldn't Have Worn White on My Wedding Day


"The Light shines through the darkness,
and the darkness can never extinguish it."
John 1:5







This post was originally part of the 31 Day Writing Challenge:  31 Fears to Conquer Through Faith--Day 22:  Fear of Rejection


I was not a virgin when I got married.

Somewhere in the middle of excessive drinking, two tattoos and the fear of being rejected, I lost my virginity.  I grew up learning that sex was bad and shameful and that you weren't to do it until you got married.  For 19 years, I stayed a virgin.  And then...college.


 
I didn't want to be rejected from my friends because I was the only virgin I knew.  I didn't want to be rejected by boys because I wouldn't let them go "all the way."  So, not out of love, or marriage, or a lifetime commitment to my husband.  Not out of sharing a beautiful thing that God created to unite a man and his wife.  Not out of anything wonderful and pure like I had always imagined when I was a little girl...like I had hoped for when I was a little girl.  It was only out of the fear of rejection that I gave up something that I could never get back.  In a blink of an eye, it was gone. 

It wasn't beautiful or special or anything that I had hoped for or pictured it would be.  I immediately felt guilty and full of shame, and along with all the other mistakes I had chosen to make, I thought, "Well, that's it.  God really doesn't love me anymore now."  And the boys...well...it didn't make them like me any more either.  Nothing was better.  It was all worse, and I had to live with it for the rest of my life!

Oh how I wish I would have waited.  Oh how I wish I would have made better choices for myself.  Oh how I wish I would have protected my virginity.  Oh how I wish I didn't have to feel these feelings of shame and guilt ALL...THE...TIME!   



It was over.  I was damaged goods.  There was nothing I could do about it now.  So, now what?  Well, I felt doomed to hell forever.  I felt that there was no way to change it.  I thought that God didn't love me and never would.  I felt rejected.  The fear of being rejected and not being able to change it made me feel powerless.  So what did I do?  I fell into a pattern of making these bad choices over and over.

Through a 17 year span, I did ask God to forgive me several times.  I always felt peace afterwards, but then here they came again...those feelings of shame and guilt and rejection.  Those feelings wouldn't leave, therefore, I thought that I wasn't really forgiven.  It was so destructive to my self-esteem, to my confidence, to my relationship with God, and even to my marriage. 

After I got re-baptized in 2011, I remembered thinking, "Ok, God, now surely this has washed away my sin of premarital sex, and you won't reject me anymore." 


He said, "What sin?" 

I reminded Him. 

He smiled and said, "I'd already forgotten about that, My Child, because I had already forgiven you the first time you asked.  I never rejected You.  I've always been with you and I always will."

Finally, I had peace.  I knew I was loved.  I knew that even though God hated sin, He loved me then, He loves me now, and He will always love me.  I knew I was forgiven.  I knew I could FINALLY let it all go! 


I wish I could say that I never struggled with the fear of rejection again.  But, I do.  Even though, I'm happily married now...even though I have three kids...even though I've been re-baptized...even though God has forgiven me..I still struggle with the fear of rejection.  I still struggle with forgiving myself!

I still struggle with this nagging sin from my past.  I still struggle with the feelings of guilt, shame, and even embarrassment, especially because I am a Christian...especially when I'm around amazing women who did wait...who did save themselves...who were virgins when they got married.  I get a sinking feeling in my stomach when they talk about it because I think if they really knew what I used to be like once upon a college time, I would be judged...I would be looked down upon...I would be thought less of...I would be rejected.

Once and for all, I need to let this go!  Satan has used this sin against me long enough! 

Are you ready to release your fears of being rejected?  Are you ready to be free from a sin from your past?  Are you ready to truly believe that you are forgiven?  I am!
PRAY WITH ME:
Father, today, I give my fears of being rejected to You.  No longer do I want to make decisions around this fear.  No longer do I want to carry guilt because of this fear.  Help me to know that even though the world may reject me, You never will.  Father, I know that I've made mistakes because of my fear of rejection.  Free me from the guilt and shame that I still feel today from sins You've already forgiven!  Forgive me for not accepting Your sacrifice.  Forgive me for not accepting Your forgiveness.  Forgive me for not forgiving myself.  Help me to have faith in what You did for me on the cross.  Lord, please shine Your light into the darkness that my fears of rejection have created.  Help me to walk boldly forward knowing that I am a new creation.  I am loved.  I am forgiven!  In Jesus' name.  Amen. 


To My Readers:  I did NOT want to write this blog.  It took me a long time and a very deep breath to finally post it.  Ironically, I struggled with a great deal of fear about writing about such a delicate and personal topic.  What if I get rejected?  What if I lose respect from others?  What if...what if...what if...  But I'm following the Lord completely.  He asked me to write this, and so I did.  I know that for some of you, losing your virginity may not have been a big deal, but for me, it was.  This post isn't just about losing your virginity, it's about any mistake or sin from your past that keeps haunting you.  It is my prayer that by sharing my struggle, I will give hope...freedom...and life to someone else who is struggling with something from the past and move forward! 

THIS BLOG IS ENDING, I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO FOLLOW ME AT MY NEW 4REAL MOMS BLOG "BLESSED IN THE MESS":  CLICK HERE.

26 comments:

  1. This literally brought tears to my eyes... in a good way! First, I totally admire you for being so brave to share this with the rest of us and I can assure you that there are many of us out here who share the same fear of rejection and have made so many stupid mistakes we wish we could take back. We spend so much time beating ourselves up over things we wish we wouldn't have done.. myself included. Why do we carry around so much guilt? I don't know. All I know is God forgives completely the first time, so we need to lighten up on ourselves. Thank you!!!!

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    1. Yes, thank you, Patty. It's so freeing when others can relate to your story. I really appreciate your encouraging words as this was a very sensitive and vulnerable topic to share with the world! Oh well, there's so much freedom in the truth!
      God Bless!
      Christine

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  2. Thank you for being brave. I love that God has made you new.
    And for the women who saved themselves, as you put it, there are other sins to repent of. We are, none of us, able to wear the white dress as the bride of Christ, without God's cleansing power. Blessings.

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    1. Amen! Thank you. You are absolutely right that none of us can throw stones, but God loves us all the same!

      Blessings-
      Christine

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  3. You absolutely should have worn white on your wedding day. You wear whatever you want on your wedding day. (I wore Converse high tops under my dress - because I was married in the grass and have a nasty habit of falling over... so heels were right out!) The "white=virgin" thing is a myth, and always has been. It's a lie used to shame women. White was the symbol of wealth, not virginity. A white dress showed that a family had the money to spend on something completely non-functional. It's a Victorian thing. Before then, women usually wore a new "Sunday Best" dress... and that's just what it became.

    It saddens me that Christians punish themselves so much for what is a natural act of nature. You are loved exactly as you are, for who you are.

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    1. As Christians, we live to be like Christ. And when we fall short, God loves us and forgives us but satan makes us feel shame and guilt. I wasn't a victim of being a Christian, I was the victim of the devil trying to steal, kill and destroy all the joy in my life and not allowing me to accept the freedom that Christ's love and forgiveness gives to us.
      Thank you for sharing with me the information about the white dress. And also, I love that you wore high tops under your wedding dress--that is awesome!
      Blessings-
      Christine

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  4. thank you for your honesty & for sharing the TRUTH that set you free

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    1. Thank you, Linda. The truth is definitely out now! It's so freeing. Whew! ;-)

      Blessings-
      Christine

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  5. I'm so sorry that you had to spend so many years filled with guilt--but I'm so glad that you've realized that God loves you and when he looks at you, he sees his perfect Son--not any sins. As Christians, I don't think we do a good enough job educating our children about the beauty of sex and right relationships and so they end up with black and white thinking (either or thinking). We need to do a better job at educating our children without laying on the guilt. And we also need to be willing, as parents, to support our children financially if they want to get married young (the average age of marriage is rising while the average age of the onset of puberty is lowering, so perhaps we're burdening our young people with our 'wise counsel' to finish college before you get married.

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    1. Interesting points. I definitely want to have a very open and honest dialogue about sex with my children. And honestly, I want them to get married young--I'm an older mom and I want to be able to see my grandbabies!!! :-)

      Thank you for sharing your perspectives. I never want my kids to carry around guilt. I want to know why Jesus died for us!

      Blessings-
      Christine

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  6. I am saddened that you felt that way for so many years. None of us truly deserve to wear white. None of us is "pure" or without sin, that's why we need the grace of God.

    As a mother, I worry quite a bit about what we are teaching our Christian girls when so many feel shame at being "damaged goods" because they give up their virginity before marriage. I NEVER want my daughter to feel that she is less than because she is not perfect.

    I am so grateful that you have found peace and no longer fear rejection because of you are human.

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    1. Yes, thank you, Kate. I have a daughter and two sons. I completely agree with you. I want them to know that God's grace covers them. I want them to know they are loved ALWAYS even when they make mistakes. I want to be open and honest with them about everything. And more importantly, I want them to know that God's love as well as our love is unconditional!
      Blessings-
      Christine

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  7. O what a wonderful response you got from the Lord! Isn't it a weird human habit to remind him of our sin again and again and burden ourselves with it? Enjoy your freedom, cause you're free indeed!
    So glad I could read this today! - a fellow 31 Dayer

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    1. Thank you so much. I loved that conversation with God too! It was precious. It feels so good to be free and truly live in God's grace and goodness!

      Thank you taking the time to read it as I know how hard it is to blog every single day! Whew--I'm exhausted!!!

      Blessings-
      Christine

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  8. I am SO glad you wrote it. And, I am sharing it because my granddaughter needs to read it and believe it! Thank you. a 31-dayer...

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    1. Oh how wonderful to share this with your granddaughter! I fought God about writing this the entire day and He finally won. I know He is going to use it to bless and encourage so many!

      Keep writing 31 Dayer! We're almost done!
      Blessings-
      Christine

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  9. What a beautiful conversation with God you had! Reminding Him of our sin... He is so much bigger and so much more loving than we can fathom Him to be! Praise God for your journey, and for your courage in sharing it here.

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    1. Thank you, Sarah. I've had many very memorable conversations with God, but that's one of my most memorable! He is such a good God, and you're right--so incredibly loving and patient with us as we learn and grow. It did take a lot of courage to share this, but I'm so glad that I was obedient to God and did it!
      Blessings-
      Christine

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  10. Yes, He is the great forgiver and restorer. He restores and renews and rebuilds. So thankful you are now experiencing His grace.

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    1. Thank you, Christy! I love it--forgiver, restorer, renewer, rebuilder! I am so thankful that God taught me that after so many years. :-)

      Blessings-
      Christine

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  11. Such a powerful and honest testimony! So good... and I am so glad that you pushed through and wrote it and hit publish! It is a message that so many need to hear and get revelation on! We have a good, good Father! Love this, friend!

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    1. Thank you so much. God wants to give many women freedom from this so I know that's why he asked me to write it. And it takes a lot of obedience to do what he's asking you to do especially when he asks you to be so vulnerable.

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  12. Such an honest vulnerable post. Proud of you for hitting that publish button. Love this and you friend!

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    1. Thank you Tara. Being obedient to God is never the easy thing to do but it's always the right thing to do!

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