Thursday, October 9, 2014

Day 9: Fear of Abandonment-Don't Leave Me Or I'll Pee

"I keep my eyes always on the Lord. 
With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." 
Psalm 16:8
Day 9:  Fear of Abandonment
Don't leave me or I'll pee.  I'll pee on your bed.  I'll pee on your clothes.  I'll pee on your stereo.  I'll pee on your couch.  I'll pee on pretty much anything in your house if you leave me. 
Not me.  I'm talking about our dog, Rugby.  It's been almost 3 years since the most precious, loyal and loving dog passed away in his little bed in our house.  I miss him greatly.  We adopted him when he was 10 years old after he was abandoned by his owners.  I never met them, but all I knew was that they had 2 kids and 4 pets and because they were getting divorced, they decided to leave their 4 pets-2 dogs and 2 cats- at an animal shelter.  He was with this family for 10 years!  By the time we saw Rugby at the animal shelter, his doggy friend had already been adopted, so he was alone, afraid, and abandoned by everyone he ever knew. 
It was heart-breaking.  Needless to say, Rugby loved being with us.  He was instantly part of our family, but he definitely had issues of being abandoned.  Anytime I would go anywhere, Rugby was right behind me, next to me, as close as he could be to me or even on me.  
Rugby was so afraid of being abandoned that he couldn't relax.  He couldn't even enjoy taking a nap because he was so worried that I would leave him, so he was always ready to go wherever I went whenever I went.  Rugby suffered from the fear of abandonment. 
I have this fear too.  Coming from my childhood where so many close relatives and pets tragically died, I definitely developed this fear except instead of smothering people and being overly close to them like Rugby did, I put up walls to protect myself by not becoming too close.  I especially see this play out with my husband and my kids.  I want to love them freely and fully, but there is still a part of me that also wants to protect myself because what if something happens to them...what if my husband decides to up and leave someday...what if...what if...what if... 

I don't want to miss out on the good times, the love, or the closeness because I'm living in fear of being abandoned.  I'm ready to let go of that fear and open my heart to truly loving my family. 

Do you find that you love cautiously?  Do you live with the fear of abandonment and put up walls to protect yourself? 

Lord, today, I give my fear of abandonment to you.  Lord, I know that You are at my right hand and I will not be shaken.  Help me to keep my eyes on You.  Help me to love my family without caution.  Allow me to break down the walls that appear to protect me, but actually keep me away from loving fully.  Take away my fear of being close to the people I love, and fill me with Your joy.  Lord, shine Your light into my fear of abandonment, and help me to walk forward confidently with faith to truly love others.  In Jesus' name.  Amen.

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