Monday, October 20, 2014

Day 20: Fear of Being Disappointed-The Night I Kicked Fear's A$$

"...Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground." 
Genesis 1:28
Day 20:  Fear of Being Disappointed

I was breathing frantically, and yet I couldn't get any air!  My chest was heavy.  I was in hysterics.  Yep, I was having a panic attack. 
Why, you ask?  Well, it's a bit of a story.  Let me explain...

After going through infertility for almost five years, I was finally blessed with our beautiful miracle baby, Benjamin! 

But when it came time to try for our second, I had tremendous fears that I would have to go through the same pain...the same struggle...and the same waiting with no results.  I just couldn't do it.  I just couldn't go through it all over again for potentially another five years!  I couldn't handle being disappointed again.  The fear was overwhelming!

In the beginning, I started out excited to try for our second because I was having regular periods.  My body was balanced and healthy.  I thought, this time, it would be easier.  Wrong!   As soon as my husband and I started trying, my body started acting up with irregular periods and lots of UTIs.  What was going on?  And already the doctors were wanting me to come in for fertility testing AGAIN!  NOOOOOOOO!  I had already been through years of that.  I didn't want to do it all over again.
After six months, I started to feel very discouraged.  I was lying in bed frustrated, confused and worrying.  I worried that I would have to go through the exact same thing I had to go through to get my first which was just excruciatingly exhausting and painful.  The thought of being spiraled into a deep depression again terrified me.  This is when the panic attack came on.   
My breathing started getting faster and faster.  I kept saying "I can't do it."  "I can't do it."  "I can't do it."  The next thing I knew, I was having a full blown panic attack.  I thought my husband was going to have to take me to the emergency room because I couldn't control my breathing.  He was wonderful though.  He was calm and encouraging, and somehow, he was able to get me to focus on his voice and calm down.  It was horrible. 
Later that week, when my friend offered to pray for me, I knew I needed it as soon as possible.  There was still a part of me that was incredibly fearful of being disappointed...incredibly fearful of asking and not receiving...incredibly fearful of praying and not hearing from God, but, bravely, I went anyway. 


It was an amazing prayer session.  As they prayed for me, my friend looked at me and said some very powerful words: "God is showing me a picture of you sitting on a swing as a little girl with your friend named Fear."  At the time, I had no idea what she was talking about because I was not yet aware of the powerful presence that fear had in my life.  Regardless, I left the prayer session feeling hopeful. 
But that night, I woke up in the middle of the night with yet another UTI.  Seriously?  This is what I get in answer to prayer??  I cried with disappointment.  And wouldn't you know that I had taken an ovulation test that day and was smack dab in the middle of my most fertile days?  AAAAHHHH!  Now, I was going to have to wait another month to try again.  I started to panic again.
I was so angry, frustrated, sad, confused and just plain ticked off.  But as I sat there on the the pain, I thought about the words that my friend had said to me about having a friend named Fear.  I asked God about that.  "God, is this true?"  
I swear I heard Him laugh and say, "My child, let Me show you!"  And He began to play in my mind all the instances where I let fear control my life---being too afraid to go to birthday parties, hiding under the stairs before P.E., not wanting to play my oboe at the solo and ensemble contest, getting sick before gymnastics meets, and my latest panic attack.  Like a movie flashing before my eyes, he showed me hundreds of ways that I had let fear control my life.   
I couldn't believe it!  How had I not seen this?  How had I let fear control me in so many situations?  
I was angry.  I wasn't angry at God.  I wasn't angry at my UTI.  I wasn't angry at myself.  I was angry at fear!
Look out!  I was ready to kick fear's ass!  (pardon my language, but I'm just being real about how I felt that night!)  No longer was I going to let fear control me.  No longer was I going to allow fear to rule my life.  No longer was I going to let fear stop me.  I was done with fear!
I had been up sitting on the toilet in pain for over 2 hours and by that point, it was time for my husband to get up and leave for work.  As he came walking into the bathroom in the pitch dark, I scared him to death when I began to talk. 
"Honey, I have another UTI."  
"Oh no!"  he said. 
"No, this is the best UTI I've ever had!"
He was puzzled, but I explained what God had shown me about fear in my life, and that I was on a mission to break free and not let fear control me anymore.  Even after I explained myself, I still think he was a little puzzled, but he was very supportive and encouraging as always. 
On my way to yet another doctor's visit to get medicine for yet another very painful UTI, I called my friend to tell her.  She had the same "Oh no" reaction.  I told her, too, that it was the best UTI ever and explained my reason.  She was amazed at how much her prayer had spoken to me so powerfully. 

Yes, it was life-changing!
At the doctor's office, I asked the doctor to give me an antibiotic that pregnant women can take.  

"Are you pregnant?"

"No, but I'm going to be."  

Yes, I was that bold.  I was that confident.  I'm sure she was a little surprised that I would be so bold to want to try to get pregnant during a UTI, but she didn't question it and gave me a safe antibiotic. 

I was ovulating!  I wasn't about to let fear stop me from at least trying during this cycle!  God says to be fruitful and multiply, so by golly, that's what I was going to do!  I was prepared to continue to try month after month after long as it would take.  I was prepared to trust God's perfect timing.  And instead of remembering all the pain I went through to get Ben, God reminded me of all of the fruit that He gave me throughout my journey.  (To read my journey through infertility-My Journey From Infertility to Incredibly Grateful)

I wasn't going to let the fear of being disappointed stop me anymore!  
Nine months later, I got to meet my second little miracle baby, Abigail...a precious reminder of what happens when we decide to choose faith, trust God, and not let the fears of being disappointed stop us!  

Are you ready to let go of your fears of being disappointed and choose faith?
Father, I give my fear of being disappointed to You.  I cannot live my life expecting the worst.  Help me to expect the best.  Fill me with hope.  Help me to know that even though I don't know Your timing; I don't always understand Your ways; and I don't know what the future holds, I can trust You.  Father, shine Your light into my fears of being disappointed.  Fill me with faith as I walk confidently forward trusting Your plans for my life.  In Jesus' name.  Amen.

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