Wednesday, July 8, 2015

The Most Embarrassing Thing to Happen On Your Honeymoon

The Dreaded Day 3...
It was Day 3 of our honeymoon...dun...dun...dun...a day I will never forget...a day I learned what marriage was really about. 

It was just three days after our big wedding, our "I Do's", our commitment to spend the rest of our lives together...for better or sickness and in health. 

My husband had no idea how quickly I would bank on those vows!

We were having a blast--splashing in the pool, walking along the beach, watching the sunset, riding a giant bike in the ocean, seeing each other at our best--our sexiest outfits, our best moods, our most fun and adventurous spirits. 


On Day 3, that all changed...

The night before, we dined at a gorgeous beach side restaurant.  We ate.  We drank wine--all while gazing into each other's eyes as the waves crashed on the shore nearby.  It was so romantic.  However, the next morning...Day 3...I awoke to a gurgling stomach...churning...aching...I knew that something was going to come out somewhere.  It was just a matter of time.  NOOOOOOOOOO!  Not on my honeymoon. 

I wanted to hide my pain.  I wanted to pretend all was well so we could go snorkeling and continue being flirty and sexy and enjoying our fairy tale of love and romance and happiness and fun. 

I was about to ruin it all with a reality check of "the runs."
I couldn't hide it any longer.  I had to tell my husband of 3 days that I had the stomach bug.  Every 20 minutes throughout the entire morning, I was running to the bathroom and then crawling back to bed.  My sexy new spouse was right there.  He was getting me sips of water.  He was dabbing my sweaty head with a cool wash rag.  He sat in a chair next to the bed as I groaned and complained...helping me...encouraging me...being there for me. 

But gets worse...

As the trips to the bathroom started winding down, all my strength and energy and modesty were gone.  I simply quit putting my clothes back on.  I quit caring that we were on our honeymoon.  I quit caring that I was pooping every 20 minutes in our Honeymoon Suite right in front of my new forever man.  I quit caring that I was a mess.  I flopped over onto the bed falling face first into the pillows, and I hear my husband of less than 72 hour's voice whisper to me...."Honey, you have some poop on your butt." 

And I thought I couldn't feel worse.  I didn't care though.  I couldn't move.  I just wanted to die of pain and now embarrassment.  I was just lying poop on my sun-kissed butt. 

Without saying another word, my brand new mate for life went into the bathroom, grabbed some toilet paper, came and sat next to me on the bed, and...wiped my butt.  Yes, he wiped my butt. 

This moment will forever be known as our "Welcome to Marriage Moment"! 

I was mortified, but at the same time, I was given a gift.  A gift to see that my husband was going to be there for me no matter what.  That he was going to be someone I could laugh with, have romantic dinners with, walk on the beach with, and enjoy the good times with, but he was also going to be someone who would stay by my side when I was at my worst.  And that's what matters most in marriage.

Marriage isn't just about the good's about being able to handle the bad stuff too. 

It's not just about the laughs and the's about the tears and the hardships too.  It's about being there for one another, supporting one other, encouraging one another, helping one another, caring for one sickness and in health.  It's about loving and laughing and making the best out of every situation. 

We laughed so hard today as we reflected on Day 3 of our honeymoon, and as we celebrate 15 years of marriage together, we see how much Day 3 prepared us (especially my husband) for what was to come.  He has seen me even more vulnerable…at my most my very, very, very worst.  He has been there for the birth via C-Section of our three children, and even had to ask the doctors to put the sheet back up in the Operating Room after they lowered it for him to see our third child.  (He said he saw way too much of me and still can't get that image out of his head.)  He has been there for countless stomach bugs, flu bugs, cold bugs and even depression bugs.  

He's been there--by my side--through it all. 

It hasn't been easy.  We've even been near divorce, but I'm so thankful that we both have been able to move forward, press on, and persevere through some really rough times, tough conversations, and painful moments.  We have both grown and allowed God to shape us into the individuals that we are today.  Through our struggles, we've gained strength, wisdom, trust, and confidence in ourselves and in each other.  Our marriage stronger now than it's ever been. 
15 Years Ago Today--July 8, 2000

And now, on Day 5,475 of our marriage, the honeymoon is well over, but we continue to celebrate those moments throughout our lives that have brought us closer together...more committed to one each other's matter what comes our way...poop on our butts and all!

What was your "Welcome to Marriage Moment"?

Lord, thank You for the blessing of marriage.  Bring us closer together with each struggle.  Bring us closer together with each joy.  Continue to shine Your light into our circumstances so that we can continue to grow together and love each other no matter what!  In Jesus' name.  Amen. 

Happy 15 Year Anniversary, Brad!  I love you!


Wednesday, June 17, 2015

One Thing We Never Allow Ourselves To Do But Need To Do

"And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done. So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation."  Genesis 2: 2-3

I am a doer.  I always have been.  I actually find enjoyment in working and getting things accomplished.  I enjoy setting goals and reaching them.  I enjoy writing To-Do lists and I find even more enjoyment out of checking things off my To-Do lists!  I enjoy having a big project, big event, or big anything in front of me and working step by step to get everything done that needs to get done.  It just feels good.  I find great joy in it especially if I'm serving others in the process.
You Want Me To Do What?
But ten weeks ago, God showed me something that I never allow myself to do but need to do...REST! 
"I sleep at night, God.  Isn't that resting enough?" 
"No, it's not." He said...loud and clear!
It was then that He asked me to do something that He has never asked me to do in my 41 years of life...take a Sabbath and rest every Sunday. 
Are you ready for my honest reaction?  Panic...sheer panic.
"WHAT?  You want me to do what?  God, please don't make me do that!  Sunday is a day I can get so much done.  My husband is home, and I am able to check so many things off my checklist!  I have a book drive coming up that I need every minute to plan for.  Please, please, please don't make me give up such a productive day!"
Once again, His words were loud and clear, but very loving:  "You need to rest, My child.  You need to pray...listen to quiet.  Rest every Sunday.  You're working too much...too hard...all day...every day.  Just stop.  Spend time with Me.  Listen.  Read.  I have things to share with you.  I love you."
I Surrender...
Sigh..."You really know how to make a girl listen, God." 
And obediently yet reluctantly, that very Sunday...ten weeks ago, I followed the Lord and rested.  I shut off my computer.  I didn't check my phone.  I didn't look at my emails.  I didn't get on facebook.  I didn't blog.  I didn't check anything off my To-Do list.  I didn't post anything or plan anything.  I didn't do anything...well nothing work-related, that is. 
I spent undivided time with my family, and I even took a nap when the kids had quiet time--which I never do anymore.  After the kids went to bed that night, I read the bible for two hours and started a new prayer journal so I could write down everything that the Lord wanted to share with me throughout the day.  
God is Always Right... 
I quickly realized that God was right.  Duh! I don't know why I ever question Him! Taking this day to rest was really good for me.  I actually enjoyed my day more than I thought I would.  And I was surprised that I got more done throughout the rest of the week too! 

Now?  I look forward to my day of rest. 

I almost get giddy when I shut my computer down on Saturday nights and completely ignore my phone on Sundays which has now become the best day of my week.
And God has used each Sunday to talk to me and share with me about all the ways He is working in my life.  I've written page after page of His words of wisdom, bible verses, questions He wants me to ask myself, and ways that He is calling me to grow.  These last ten weeks have been challenging and eye-opening and yet full of much fruit and growth. 

My walk with the Lord has deepened to a whole new level, and my life feels less busy. 

Even though I've completely taken out a day of doing, I still accomplish everything I need to get done and sometimes more!  That's just what happens when we listen to God, right?
So now, let me ask you...
  • Do you feel busy, tired, overwhelmed or on-the-go?
  • Are you allowing yourself to rest? 
  • Do you unplug from technology once in a while?
  • Do you take time for yourself?
  • Do you take a nap?
  • Do you sit and read a book?
  • Do you allow yourself extended quiet time?
  • Do you take a whole day to do nothing but spend time with your family?
  • Do you find undivided time to pray and to listen to God?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you're doing better than I was, so keep it up.  But can you answer yes to all of these questions? 
I of ten weeks ago.  And I want you to be able to do the same in your life! 

Don't Resist... 
If you're thinking no way, no how, not ever would I be able to give up a day of the week to rest (like I did), then that's a great indication that you need to take a Sabbath too!  Sorry, but it's true!  The more you don't think you need one and the more you think you need that day to get things done, the more you need to take that day off and rest!  I promise.  You won't regret it! 
You'll be more productive...more in-tuned to the Holy Spirit...more fulfilled...more well-rested...and more joyful. 
Trust me, I know it sounds impossible to give up a day of doing.  I know it may feel like laziness to allow yourself a day to rest (admittedly, sometimes I do feel a little antsy on Sundays), but we all need rest.  Even when we are spending our time doing good things for others, we can overdo ourselves. 

We can fill up our time with too much doing and not enough being---being still...being quiet...being in His presence. 

We all need to be still for a moment in this busy world.  We all need to fill ourselves with more of God's word and truth and love and peace.  We all need to stop kidding ourselves that we can keep up with this fast-paced, hurried, rushed, go-go-go life.  God has something to say to all of us...He has something to say to you!  Stop and listen.  God wants to spend time with you.  Stop and praise Him.  God wants you to enjoy His wonderful creations.  Stop, look around, and enjoy your surroundings.  God wants your soul to be restored.  Stop and pray for His healing touch.  God wants your body to be refreshed.  Stop and just rest. 

Stop what you're doing and rest, but be prepared for your life to change! 
And finally, if I haven't convinced you by this point, I figured if God himself needed to rest on the seventh day, who am I to think that I don't need to do the same?  Right?
What would taking a Sabbath mean to you?  Would it be easy for you or difficult?  How would your life be different if you took a day each week to rest?
Lord, thank you for reminding us about the importance of rest.  Each week, help us to stop and give a day to You.  Bless the time that we allow ourselves to be quiet.  Speak to us clearly.  Refresh our souls!  Shine your light into our need to do and allow us to just be in Your glorious presence!   In Jesus' name.  Amen. 

Friday, May 22, 2015

When Friendships Hurt

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”
Proverbs 27:17

I cried on my birthday.  I cried and I cried and I cried.  Yes, I'm getting older.  Yes, I'm getting more wrinkly.  Yes, 41 was so anticlimactic compared to turning 40, but surprisingly, I wasn't crying about getting older, I was crying about losing a friendship.  And honestly, I just wanted to give up.  I wanted to stop being friends with people.  I wanted to just close my door, crawl into a hole, and never be vulnerable, never let anyone too close, and never let anyone really get to know me again. 

Ok, so maybe getting older may have factored in a little because man, I was an emotional wreck that day!  It was just everything all wrapped into one "happy freaking birthday to me" pity party, but my main sadness wasn't just about getting older or the loss of that friendship. 

Even though, at times, I miss her friendship terribly, God has brought me such peace and has shown me the amazing way He used this friend to bless my life regardless of the outcome.  My birthday tears were more about the fears that have suddenly crept in making me hesitate in getting close to other friends.

Friendships are hard.  Friendships hurt. 

Think about how tough it was in middle school and high school?  I still find myself sad about a friend with whom I spent the entire summer before my 8th grade year who then left me in the dust once the school year started. 

But who would have thought that adult friendships would be so hard and hurtful too?

Friendships have always been extremely important to me.  I've always valued my friends greatly--desiring to get to know them on a deeper level, encouraging them, spending time with them, laughing with them, and crying with them.  But lately, God has opened my eyes to a pattern of keeping friends at a distance...both emotionally and geographically.   

Since 1995, my best friend has lived in a different town--and for the majority of our friendship, she has lived almost a thousand miles away.  The distance between us didn't stop us from sharing in life's ups and downs.  She and I have shared tears and joys, laughter and pain, miscarriage and marriage troubles, depression and anxiety, deaths and new lives.  We've gone through agonizing and life-changing events together.  Her friendship has been invaluable to me.  She's the kind of friend who I can tell anything to; she's the kind of friend that I can share my darkest, deepest hurts with; she's the kind of friend who would hop on a plane and be there for me in a second if I needed her. 

But the reality is that she is a thousand miles away.  Almost every tear we've cried and every laugh we've laughed was done through a long-distance phone call.  I treasure the moments that we actually can share special times face to face, but unfortunately, those moments are few and far between.  She's not a part of my day-to-day life.  And it makes me sad.  Even though I know that she's always there for me and always will be, she's not here...geographically here.  She can't see the expressions on my face or give me a hug or hold my hand.  Even though I know she would...she can't.  So she's emotionally close to me, but not geographically. 

In fact, when I really looked at my close friendships as an adult, I haven't had friends who were close to me both geographically and emotionally.  All of my girlfriends from college live in different towns, and I only keep in touch with high school friends on facebook.  The friends I taught with were awesome, but I never really opened up to them. 

The friends I allowed to be emotionally close to me were long-distance friends.  And friends who lived geographically close were kept at an emotional distance. 

When I finally met someone who I did open up to, I got hurt.  It was the one time I finally did let my guard down to someone who lived close to me.  For several years,  I was vulnerable and shared my weaknesses.  We cried and laughed together...celebrated birthdays, births, miracles, deep questions, and powerful prayers.  But our friendship took an unexpected turn and it surprisingly and painfully ended.

Unknowingly, my guard went back up.

Now, I find that I'm living in fear of not wanting to get too close to anyone else...hence, the birthday tears!  Will they leave me too?  Will they find flaws in me?  Will they disagree with my thinking, attitudes, thoughts, and path in life?  Will they judge me, lose interest in me, and walk away from me if I let them in...if I allow them to get too close...if I allow them to really know me?  Will they reject me?

I'm still hurting.  I'm still confused.  I want to run away and never trust again, but I can't.  It's not healthy.  It's not what God wants for me.  It's not how we were made.  God has brought some amazing women into my life who I want to trust whole-heartedly.  I don't want to allow the enemy to rob me of precious moments with these friends, but I'm afraid.  I'm afraid to let anyone that close to me again.  I'm afraid to be too vulnerable again.  It just feels unsafe.  I just want to keep them all at a distance and feel comfortable again.

What do I do?  What can any of us do when we've been hurt by a friend?

Over this past year of grieving, I've learned that it's ok to feel hurt.  It's ok to grieve the loss.  But it's not ok to allow that loss to make you feel that there is something wrong with you or make you feel that you're not good enough.  Obviously, any change in life is a good time to evaluate yourself and have the Holy Spirit show you areas in you that need growth or improvement, but just don't downright beat yourself up over it.  And more importantly, I've learned not to let that loss stop you from getting close to other friends in your life...don't run away from your current friends or new friend possibilities. 

In fact, just today, I did the exact opposite of running away.  Instead, I had a very open and tearful conversation with a friend about my fears, my doubts, my questions, and my insecurities about our friendship.  I shared with her my pain of losing that friend and my hesitancy to be close to her because of it.  She listened with tears in her eyes. 

We sat face to face...heart to heart...woman to woman. 

And that conversation opened the door to another honest conversation with a friend.  And I realized that because I was open and vulnerable about my true feelings...because I didn't run away or close my door or crawl into a hole, my fears were gone.  I sat in the same state, city, room and couch and shared my heart...face to face. 

I realized that everyone in one way or another has insecurities about friendships--especially as adults---especially as women.  We all have similar fears.  We all momentarily revert back to our junior high or high school days and wonder if someone is going to leave us for another friend.  We all wonder if someone is going to love us for who we really are. 

I learned that though friendships may seem hard, they are actually quite simple...

Love our friends how Jesus loves us...unconditionally. 

Love our friends despite their weaknesses.  Believe in our friends despite their differences.  Encourage our friends despite their fears.  Listen to them.  Pray for them.  See the good in them.  No judgment.  Just love...unconditional love.

And even though not every friendship will last as long as we'd like them to and not every friend will stay as long as we had hoped they would, we all need to keep moving forward.  See the blessings through the pain. 

Know that God will use each friendship to change us, each friend to teach us, and each memory to remind us of how much we've grown. 

Today, I hope we can all choose to keep moving past the trust love be grateful for all the friends who are still in our lives both near and far away.  I hope we can all choose to get over our fears, let our guards down, allow others to get close to us, and always believe that there are friends who will love us no matter what!  

Lord, I lift our friendships up to You.  Thank You for the beautiful people You've placed purposely in our paths.  Thank You for the lessons learned from each one.  Use us to sharpen others--encouraging them, respecting them, and loving them for who they are.  And allow others to sharpen us--uplifting us, being honest with us, and accepting us for who we are.  Lord, shine Your light on our hearts as we trust in You to heal us and allow others to be close to us again.  In Jesus' name. Amen.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Are We All Just Stuck in High School?

"The LORD doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

I was never into labels or cliques in high school.  I never cared about who was who or what was what---in-crowd, out-crowd, didn't matter to me.  Everyone deserved my respect simply because they were a human being.  Even as a middle school science teacher when I had gang members sitting in my classroom, I didn't care.  I didn't treat them any differently than I treated any other student.  I loved them even though I didn't agree with their choices.  I respected them and genuinely cared for them and they knew it.  And they treated me with respect in return. 

My parents have always modeled loving people unconditionally.  They've always taught me to look past the exterior and the labels and focus on the person's heart.  I'm grateful for that.  I'm grateful that God has given me the eyes to see the good in everyone.  All throughout my life---as a high school student, as a teacher, as a wife and mom, as a leader---it's been an amazing gift.  And I know that at times I've had to look really hard to see the good in some people, but do you know what?  Every time, even when I thought that there was no good inside, when I took the time to look really closely, I would always find a little nugget of good to focus on.  

I'm grateful that God has given me the eyes to see beyond what others love people no matter who they are or aren't, no matter what choices they make or didn't make, no matter what job they have, no matter what color their skin is, no matter what they look like, no matter what they believe in, no matter what church they go to, I will always love others no matter what. 

And I believe to my core that most of us have that same desire, but we get stuck in the categories that society gives others.  We get stuck in our own "worlds", and lately God has challenged me to take a closer look at how we all tend to get stuck in those "high school" patterns of cliques and labels even today.  If you don't believe me, look around....

Don't we still have cliques?  Only now, we call them small groups, or work friends, or moms groups, or bible studies, or committees, or playdate groups, or sewing clubs, or even churches.

How often do we step outside our adult cliques to hang out with someone new?  How often do we love or serve someone outside of our "group"?

Don't we still have labels?  Only now we call them stay-at-home parent, working parent, single, divorced, homeschooling parent, public school parent, not a parent, unemployed, homeless, addict, gay, straight, Christian, non-Christian, etc.

How often have you labeled someone based on their current "position in life"?  How often do see someone for what they are instead of who they are?

I'm guilty too.  Even though I love everyone, God has shown me how often I "hang out" with the same people over and over doing the same things over and over.  And don't get me wrong, it's never a bad thing to form close, loving, trusting relationships and friendships, but it's a big world out there with lots of people that long to be included, that need to feel God's love, that need to know that they belong somewhere, that need to know that they are seen, that need to know that they are not just a label nor are they just part of a clique that doesn't belong.   

On Monday night, God sent me on my first mission to serve a new group of people...people I have never met nor served before.  Their label?  "The homeless."  I took my six year old with me and our eyes were opened.  As each person walked passed us with dirty fingernails, torn clothes, and scuffed up shoes, I looked in their eyes.  I smiled and offered them a spoonful of baked beans.  They smiled back and said, "Yes, please.  Thank you so much."  

In that moment, they weren't just "the homeless" anymore to me.  They were no longer that label that I had given them.  They were moms with babies.  They were young men who enjoyed watching NBA basketball.   They were people who enjoyed the company and encouragement of others.  They were courageous.  They were grateful.  They were people with gifts and talents and hopes and dreams.  They were people created by, loved by, and valued by God.

See what happens when we drop the high school labels and really take the time to get to know someone for who they are and for how God created them to be? 

And so I challenge you...
  • Drop the labels.
  • Ignore the cliques.
  • Don't be quick to judge.
  • Get to know someone knew.
  • Look around more.
  • Visit a new church.
  • Serve a new group.
  • See the good in others.
  • Love everyone.
Lord, thank you for opening my eyes to see the labels that we give to others.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love other human beings that I didn't know before.  Continue to open my eyes and understand the vastness of your love and see the commonalities that we all share.  Shine Your loving light into our lives and allow us to love others unconditionally and see the good that You have deposited in them.  In Jesus' name.  Amen. 

Sunday, March 15, 2015

A Servant's Prayer: I Am Yours

I am Yours.
I completely surrender my life to You.
I will trust You.
I will serve You.

When others see me, let them see Your light.
When others hear me, let them hear Your wisdom.
When others are in my presence, let them feel Your warmth.
When others read my words, let them hear Your voice.

I am Yours.
I completely surrender my life to You.
I will trust You.
I will serve You.

No matter who I'm with, let me love them like You would.
No matter where I go, let me go forward with fearlessness.
No matter what I do, let me do it with a joyful heart.
No matter what I say, let me say it with a kind spirit.

I am Yours.
I completely surrender my life to You.
I will trust You.
I will serve You.

Give me confidence.
Take my hand.
Increase my faith.
Capture my thoughts. 

I am Yours.
I completely surrender my life to You.
I will trust You.
I will serve You.

Keep me humble.
Guide my feet.
Remove my fears.
Protect my heart.

I am Yours.
I completely surrender my life to You.
I will trust You.
I will serve You.

I am Yours!

Click here for your free printable of this prayer!

Monday, March 2, 2015

Why Women Should Love "50 Shades of Grey"

Three reasons why I've avoided talking about "50 Shades of Grey". 

1.  It's uncomfortable.
2.  It's uncomfortable.
3.  It's uncomfortable.

I've been like the parent who avoids talking to their kids about sex because it's too awkward, but then I realized that the mission of this blog is to bring you hope and shine God's light into your life by being as open and honest as I can about mine, so as uncomfortable as it may be, I just need to share my thoughts.

I apologize up front if you're tired of hearing about "50 Shades of Grey".  I know I am.  Trust me, I've been putting this post off for weeks now hoping that God would stop asking me to write about it...He hasn't.  

Hopefully I've procrastinated long enough and enough time has passed that you're ready to hear my perspective?  Perhaps that was the Lords plan all along... 

To be honest, though, I'm not sure why the Lord is asking me to share this considering I've not read the book nor have I seen the movie, but I guess because I do know what it's all about.  I mean...come on...everywhere you turn, someone is talking about it, right?  Sex sells.  That's just a fact in our society.  It gets attention...especially with something so controversial. 

So, why, as a woman, mom, wife, life coach, do I believe that every woman should love "50 Shades of Grey"?   Let's just be clear...I'm not at all saying that you should love the book or the movie itself (that's your call), but what I am saying is that you should love the opportunity that "50 Shades of Grey" can provide to you, your kids, and your marriage.  And that is...communication

Anything negative that happens in our world, God can use as an opportunity to shine His light.  "50 Shades of Grey" is scandalous and shocking but God's light can shine in this too if we allow it.  The silver lining behind this very "grey" cloud is that it's getting people to talk about sex.  Communicating about sex is the best thing we can do as women, wives, and moms.  It's the healthiest thing we can do.  It's the most biblical thing we can do. 

So, let's talk about it.  (crickets chirping...crickets chirping...) 

How about this, let me share with you 3 great opportunities that all the buzz of "50 Shades of Grey" can provide for you in the area of communication:

1.  It gives you an opportunity to talk to your kids about sex.  Now, my kids are still very young to know anything about "50 Shades of Grey".  They are still in the 50 shades of crayons phase, but it's never too early to talk to them about their private parts and how important it is to keep them private.  It's never too early to establish an open communication and constantly reminding them that they can talk to me about anything.  It's never too early to intentionally pray over their sexuality and relationships.  It's never too early to teach assertiveness and self-respect.

I hope you will take the opportunity to talk to your kids about sex no matter what age they are!  Just remember that if you don't talk to them, someone else will!

2.  It gives you an opportunity to talk to your husband about sex.  Sex is a very important part of marriage.  I know that, for most men, it is their primary love language.  The more that a couple talks about sex...the expectations, the likes, the dislikes, the desires, the frequency, the fantasies...the more love can be felt between them both.  Sex is important, necessary, healthy, and fun!  My marriage needs it to thrive and so does yours!  

I hope that you take the time to talk to your husband and have an honest conversation about sex. 

3.  It gives you an opportunity to "talk" to yourself about sex.  I struggle with being open about sex.  As a little girl, sex was bad and shameful and something that was never talked about.  Plus, when I gave up my virginity before I got married, I carried even more shame and guilt about it.  (You can read my story "I Shouldn't Have Worn White On My Wedding Day.)  It was incredibly difficult for me after I got married to just--all of the sudden--turn off a lifetime of those negative feelings.  It's been a struggle for me.  It's been a journey for me...and for my husband. 

I've had to pray and explore ways to break down the walls that I've spent years building.  I've had to pray about my sexual desires and take a closer look at my own sexual needs.  I've had to distinguish between my past views and my present personal preferences.  I've had to relearn God's intentions for sex.  I've had to invite Him to fill my heart with His purpose for sex.  I've had to become more in touch with my sexual nature.  I've had to be patient with myself as I've gained confidence to communicate my needs more.  I've really moved forward, but it has taken small steps and big prayers. 

I hope that you will take the time to reflect on your own sexual desires and how well you are communicating your needs.  More importantly, I pray that you always make sure that you are respecting yourself in the process. 

So whether you like "50 Shades of Grey" or not really isn't the focus here.  It's really about loving the doors of communication it has opened.  Whether it's creating a dialogue about it with your children no matter how old they are...whether it's having an honest discussion with your husband...or whether you use it as an opportunity to check in with yourself...your needs...your wants...your desires, please talk about sex. 

The bible says in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 

I truly believe that what satan intends for evil, God can use for good. 
How will you allow God's light and His goodness to shine into this area of sex in your own life?    

Lord, thank you for making all things good.  Thank you that we can turn our heads away from those things in this world that are uncomfortable to us, or we can allow them to provide opportunities for us to communicate with those we love.  Give us courage to talk to our kids about sex.  Give us confidence to talk to our spouses about sex.  Give us strength to reflect on our own sexual desires.  Lord, shine Your light into every area of sex in our lives and allow us to be open and honest about something so beautiful that You created for us to enjoy!  In Jesus' name.  Amen.

Here are some resources I've found helpful:
I just recently started "The Passion Principles" as a study with a small group of women.  Already, I can see it has amazing potential and it certainly provided us with a great discussion and prayer time.  

This is a must have book for every marriage!

This book is great for those, like me, with small children as a way to open up dialogue about their body parts. 

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Liebster Award: Bloggers Recognizing Bloggers

I feel honored to be nominated by Tobi Sauers from Simply Jesus Ministries for the Liebster Award which is where one blogger recognizes five bloggers.  In simplest terms, it gives bloggers an opportunity just to say "Hey, I like what you do."  And in my opinion, if even one person likes what I do, that's important to me.  So thank you, Tobi!
I met Tobi through our 31 Day Writing Challenge in October and have stayed in contact with her ever since through a facebook group she started for those who survived the 31 Day Challenge.  This group has been instrumental in motivating me to publish my 31 day writing series into a book:  In His Light:  Facing Fear with Faith as well as inspiring me to do more with the words that God has given me to write.  
Thank you, Tobi for thinking of me and for including me with four other women who I look up to greatly and honestly was a little surprised...ok, a little even be on the same list as them!  You ladies are truly an inspiration--

And I'd also like to thank my mom and dad for giving me so many funny things to write about, and I'd like to thank my dog...
I'm just kidding!  Ok, my little acceptance speech is done.  Here is what I have to do next to complete my duties for the Liebster Award!

  1. Thank and link back to the person who nominates you--CHECK
  2. Answer the questions given by the person who nominates you--CHECK
  3. Nominate 5 other bloggers, big or small--CHECK
  4. Create 5 new questions for the nominees to answer--CHECK
  5. Let the nominees know they’ve been nominated--CHECK

1. What are you reading right now, and why should we all read it? (if you aren't a book reader, what is your favorite blog?)

Power of the Praying Parent by Stormie O'Martian
I'm a busy, working mom, so this book is perfect.  It has short chapters and powerful prayers to pray over my children.  I want my children covered in prayer!

2. What is your favorite drink from Starbucks, or your favorite coffee shop?

I don't drink coffee.  When I was a teacher, my students were always surprised when they learned that I didn't drink coffee because I was a very energetic teacher--especially when we learned about the periodic table of elements.  For the record, yes, I really was that excited about the periodic table! 

3. What is your favorite Bible story and why?

I have to pick just one?  I love the one when Jesus walks on water from Matthew 14:22-33.  So often I find myself living in fear and doubt God and this is such a great example of Jesus calling us...asking us to step out in faith...and being there to catch us when we lose faith.

Jesus Walks on the Water
22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

4. If you had a day all to yourself what would you do?

If money were no object here, I would fly anywhere with a quiet beach and bring a whole stack of books to read all by myself! 

5. What are your 2 favorite songs? (Bonus points for sharing a YouTube, okaaaayy, so there aren't any points, but it would still be fun. )
"The Way You Look Tonight" by Frank Sinatra--that was my wedding song
"I Will Follow You" by Chris Tomlin--I love being reminded that life is about following God no matter what!



I am honored to know such amazing women in this blogging world.  The 5 bloggers that I would like to recognize with whom I've really enjoyed connecting through the 4Real Moms Monthly Newsletter as well as guest blogging.  These are women with a heart to serve others through their writing. 

Karrilee Aggett:  Abiding Love, Abounding Grace
Natalie Busch:  The Messy Mom
Melissa Mulvaney:  Meaning, Joy, Purpose
Sandra Black:  Sandra's Ark
Asheritah Ciuciu:  One Thing Alone

It's a privilege to have had the opportunity to get to know you ladies.  Here are your 5 questions so I can get to know you more:

1.  What is your favorite bible verse and why?

2.  What is your biggest fear and how do you overcome it?

3.  What is your most embarrassing moment?

4.  What is your greatest strength and your greatest weakness?

5.  What is your favorite movie and why?

I understand that you are busy moms and writers.  Take your time!  It has taken me about two weeks to finally get all this done!  No pressure at all. 

May God bless you all--especially all the women, moms, and writers out there!


Tuesday, February 17, 2015

To My Child Whose Name Will No Longer Be Miscarriage

Dear Reader-
I found four pregnancy tests in my bathroom cabinet last week and I felt great joy and great sadness.  Joy that three of those pregnancies resulted in three amazing and healthy children and sadness that one didn't.  Recently, as I approach what would have been my due date, I realized how much shame and sadness and confusion I still felt about having a miscarriage, and I have learned over this past week just how much God wants to shine His light into this area of my life...and if you've experienced a miscarriage too, just know that God wants to shine His light into your life too.  May you be as open to His Healing Light as I was. 

Yes, I know it's weird to have saved all four pregnancy tests for all these years,
but if you have experienced infertility, I know you understand!


And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness--secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name. 
Isaiah 45:3

I call you miscarriage when I talk about you, but why?  You had a heartbeat.  You lived inside of me for 42 days.  We celebrated and jumped for joy the day we found out about you!  It was a miracle.  After nearly 4 years of negative pregnancy tests, you were the first positive pregnancy test I had ever seen!  It was such a beautiful moment in my life, and yet, I ignored the fact that you were my first baby.  Instead I label you as a painful miscarriage. 
You were a living being...a being who was stolen from my womb by death.  I knew instantly.  The minute I saw spotting, I knew you were gone.  I was devastated.  I cried all day.  Tears that no one saw.  Tears that only occurred between the fake smile I put on for my students.  Tears that streamed down my face in the storage room during my four minute break between classes.  Tears that I choked back into my throat until it hurt while I pretended to be excited about launching rockets that my students had built.  Throughout the day, the tears only got harder to hold in and the bleeding only got heavier. 

After my last class, I raced out of the building.  I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.  I had to let them go, but not until I got into my car and slammed the door closed.  I was angry.  How could God do this to me?  After all that I had been through waiting to get pregnant, how could He take this baby from me?  It wasn't fair!  I screamed.  I cried.  Once I allowed the tears to flow, they wouldn't stop.  I began to sob uncontrollably.  I cried so hard that I couldn't see the road but somehow the car drove closer and closer to the doctor's office. It was a pointless appointment.  I knew in my heart that you were gone, but yet strangely I hoped that I would be the rare case of bleeding heavy during pregnancy with nothing being wrong.  I guess that's just what comes from years of negative pregnancy tests where I would constantly make excuses..."But maybe it's just too early."  "But maybe the pregnancy test is defective."  "But maybe this spotting isn't my period but just the result of implantation."  "But maybe if I take it again in a couple of days it will be positive." 

But still I foolishly hoped.

I cried in the waiting room.  I cried in my appointment room sitting naked and cold in that horrid hospital gown.  I cried in the ultrasound room as the doctor searched only to find that nothing was there.  No heartbeat. 

"Maybe it's just too early." she says.  "Go home.  Get rest and if the bleeding and the cramping gets worse, go to the emergency room." 

Is it actually possible?  Could I still be pregnant?  Please, God, please!  Even though I pleaded and I prayed, I knew deep down you were gone, and yet I let myself hope...just a little.   

Sure enough the bleeding got heavier.  The cramping was excruciating.  I never knew I had so many tears.  I never knew that my heart could hurt so deeply.  Huge clots came out and fell into the toilet.  This can't be happening.  My husband raced me to the ER just for them to tell me something I already knew.  You were gone. 

Hunched over in pain and in shame, I walked out of the ER with my husband by my side with nothing more than a "See ya!" from the ER staff.  I was expecting something...anything.  "So sorry for your loss."  "Praying for you!"  Anything.  I'm sure they see this every day, but I had never had a miscarriage before.  I had never experienced so much pain in my body or in my heart.  Having a miscarriage doesn't happen to me everyday.  But there was no sympathy.

It was after midnight before we got home.  I couldn't sleep.  I didn't want to sleep.  I didn't want to sleep because I didn't want to wake up and be hit with the reality of losing you.  When my eyes opened in the morning, they were sore.  I was sore.  My heart sank.  It wasn't a dream.  I didn't want to get up.  I didn't want to get out of bed...ever!  I wanted to put my covers over my head and never see or talk to or be around anyone ever again. 

Like a zombie, I got up, got dressed, drove to school, greeted each student, took attendance, and went about my day, launching rockets.  It was like nothing ever happened.  For everyone else, it was just another day.  But for me, it was the day that I lost you.  It was the day that I failed you.  It was the day that I reached a new level of failure.  I was no longer the woman who couldn't get pregnant, now I was a woman who couldn't take care of her baby well enough to stay pregnant.  I was the woman whose womb was unfit for a child to grow in.  I hated myself even more than I already did.  I fell deep into a depression like I've never known.  I felt helpless and completely hopeless. 
I felt guilty.  I felt full of shame.  I felt that God hated me.  What could I have done differently to care for you?  How could I have protected you better?  I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry that I didn't name you.  I'm sorry that I flushed you down the toilet.  Was I supposed to do something else with you?  I'm sorry I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry that I let the enemy make me feel ashamed of you.  I'm sorry that the enemy made me look at you and the miscarriage as the same thing, but that's not right.  You were just as much as a victim as I was.  You were part of the enemy's plans to steal, kill, and destroy.  He killed you.  He stole my joy.  He destroyed my hope...or at least I thought he did.

Over this past week as I stared at that fourth pregnancy test and as I've questioned God about the miscarriage again, He has shown me just how important you were in my journey.  He showed me what a gift you were to me without me ever realizing it because you were a symbol of hope.  In the midst of all of my disappointments...all of my negative pregnancy tests...all of my sadness, you were the glimpse of hope.  You showed me that I could get pregnant.  After thinking that I was never going to be a mom, you came.  Thank you for allowing me to see that my body could do it!  Thank you for giving me hope.
I thank God for allowing me to see you differently today.  You are not just a miscarriage.  You are not just a tragedy, a sadness, or an awful thing that happened to me once.  You are a miracle.  You are the bearer of hope.  You are my first baby.  You are my daughter. (I just know it!)

Now, instead of crying tears of sadness over you, I can cry tears of joy.  It's been nearly seven years since I lost you and God has finally healed my heart.  He has also shown me that now that I've acknowledged you, my family can be complete which is something I've really been wrestling with lately.  I am blessed to have two boys and not just one, but two girls! 

Today, as I dance with my daughter, your little sister, here on earth, I know that you are dancing in Heaven with Jesus.  Thank you for allowing me to be your mom.  I can't wait to meet you some day...Marion Hope Leeb. 
Father-thank You for finally shining Your Light into this area of my life...this dark corner of my soul...this pain that I have suppressed for so long.  Thank You for continuing to reveal places in my heart that need Your light and Your love.  Thank You for redeeming this sadness.  Thank You for showing me the treasures in this darkness by revealing the hope that I was given through this child.  Thank You for bringing me joy over the daughter that I never had an opportunity to meet.  Thank You for taking something that the enemy meant to rob from me and breathing new life into the purpose of this pain. 
Be near all my fellow sisters who have experienced the agony of a miscarriage.  Bring healing to their hearts.  Embrace them in Your loving and comforting Arms.  Free all of us from any feelings of guilt or shame or blame.  Allow us to feel Your presence and bring us all peace knowing that You are with each and every child that has been lost through miscarriage hugging them, holding them, and dancing with them in Heaven.   Bring hope to all!  In Jesus' precious name.  Amen!