Sunday, October 12, 2014

Day 12: Fear of Not Being Good Enough-Letting God Be Good

"And we know in all things, God works for the good for those who love Him; who have been called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28
Day 12:  Fear of Not Being Good Enough

I hated every pregnant person--family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, anyone who was pregnant...I hated them.

Yes, I'm sorry to say, that is exactly how I felt during a very dark and difficult time of my life.  For nearly 5 years, I struggled with infertility.  Month after month after month after month and year after year after year after year, I would be reminded that I wasn't pregnant.  I would be reminded that I wasn't a mom.  It was painful.

And of course, during that time, most of my closest friends and family, as well as, what felt like, ALL of my co-workers got pregnant.  Some even got pregnant with their second child during that time period.  I was surrounded by cute pregnant bellies, strollers, car seats, diapers, bottles and babies, babies, babies.  I couldn't escape it.  Babies and pregnant ladies were everywhere, and I hated them all.  Why them and not me?

I must just not be good enough.

God must be punishing me for the sins in my past.  I must not deserve to be a mom.  For years I lived with these fears that I must not be good enough to be blessed with a child. 

These lies I was telling myself made me fall into a deep depression.  I couldn't even get out of bed.  I didn't even want to live.  I needed help...serious help.

Through a year of counseling and lots of prayer, God helped pull me out of this pit of despair and showed me His true love for me.  He showed me that He knows and loves every hair on my head.  He showed me that I can trust Him with His plans for my life.  He showed me that in His timing is perfect, He makes all things good.  He reminded me that through Jesus, the sins of my past are forgiven, and that I needed to forgive myself and move on.  He showed me that He was not punishing me, but was just asking me to be patient and wait and learn.  He had so much to teach me.  And more importantly, He showed me that whether I became a mom or not, I am His Daughter and that I needed to live each day with joy and hope and gratefulness.

It was then that I let go of my fear of not being good enough, and sure enough, it was then that God blessed me with my precious boy, Benjamin. 

And even though that fear of not being good enough creeps in from time to time in different areas of my life, I have three precious faces...three precious reminders of His love, His forgiveness, His faithfulness, His grace, and His goodness.  It's not about me being good's about God being good and that's good enough for me!

Do you live with the fear of not being good enough?  Are you ready to let go of that fear and allow God to show you His goodness?

Father, today, I give my fear of not being good enough to You.  Speak Your truth into my heart and show me that it's not about my goodness, it's about Yours.  Allow me to forgive myself and move forward knowing that your sacrifice was for my sins and that I must receive that gift and live in the fullness that it brings.  I love that You are patient with us, Lord.  I love that Your timing is perfect.  I love that You make all things good.  I love that You teach us and mold us and shape us to be more like You.  Help me to trust You always.  Thank you for bringing me out of the darkness and giving me the gift of my beautiful children as reminders of Your love.  Lord, continue to shine Your light into my fear of not being good enough.  Allow me to walk confidently forward in faith knowing that You are the One who is good.  In Jesus' name.  Amen.

To read my entire journey through infertility:

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