Sunday, July 8, 2012

Never Give Up...Keep Trying!



"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7


July 8, 2000


 


Our family motto is:  “Never Give Up…Keep Trying!”  It’s great to have a family motto.  My 4 year old even knows it and says it back to us!  In fact, I was getting his seatbelt on the other day which is sometimes impossible, but he tells me in the midst of my frustration, “Mommy, remember our family motto:  ‘Never give up.  Keep trying!’”


The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I truly believe that that’s God’s motto as well.  He never gives up on us and He keeps trying to pursue us and help us and love us and change us and grow us and mold us.  Today, Brad and I celebrate our 12th Anniversary.  Throughout that 12 years, we've experienced many ups and many downs.  Today, I am so thankful for my husband...my best friend...my love.  I am so thankful for the family that God has blessed us with.  I am so thankful for our marriage.  I am so thankful to share our story about how God never gave up on us.
The word I would use to describe our marriage just a few years ago would be…Hopeless—so hopeless that I truly believed that there would be NO WAY that we would make it through.  Now, my husband and I are better, stronger and closer than we’ve ever been, but it didn’t happen without a fight! 
In fact, anyone who knew my husband and I when we first started would have voted us “The Couple Most Likely to be Divorced”.  I’m sure that some of our friends that knew us are shocked that we are still together today, and frankly, so am I.  I say this, not out of disrespect for marriage, but because we didn’t do anything right from the beginning.  Even as a dating couple, we were a disaster.  The enemy had a plan to destroy us.  The enemy has a plan to destroy every marriage.  We were almost defeated!  Again, I’m thankful to God that He never gives up.  He keeps trying!
Our journey together began at EIU in the fall of 1996.  He was the Graduate Assistant for the marching band and I was on the dance team.  The first time I saw him, I thought he was the cutest guy I had ever seen.  It didn’t matter that he was wearing a Huckleberry Hound t-shirt, khaki shorts with white socks and sandles, he had the most amazing blue eyes.   I was instantly smitten.
Our relationship was not pretty.  Don’t get me wrong.  We had some amazing moments.  We made some great memories together. We had so much in common.  We had so much love for each other, but there were also so many issues on both of our parts which turned out to be a recipe for disaster.  Our dating life was really rocky---a lot of breaking up, a lot of fighting and finally after 4 years of dating and an ultimatum later, he finally proposed.  Ultimatums are not a good way to start out a marriage.  Regardless, less than 6 months later, on July 8, 2000, we were married. 





Marriage for us was not easy.  In fact, a book describing our marriage for the first 8-9 years would be called What Not To Do For A Successful Marriage with a subtitle--Whatever Brad and Christine are doing, do the opposite!  This was difficult for us because my parents had been married for 30some years and Brad’s parents had been married for over 40some years at the time. So why couldn’t we do it?  No one ever told us how hard marriage was.  It was frustrating.
There was definitely love there.  There was definitely friendship.  There was definitely common ground.  And when things were good, they were really good.  When things were bad, they were really bad.  It got so bad that a few years ago, our marriage completely fell apart.  It all happened right after a 4 year struggle with infertility.  Right after we miraculously got pregnant with our beautiful boy, Ben. It seemed as though he came at the worst time in our marriage.  Or was it?  But God knew that it was the perfect time.  He always does, right?  God knew that if He blessed us with a child at the exact same time that our marriage was about to end, we would fight to save it.  I’m sad to admit that if it weren’t for Ben, Brad and I would most likely not be together today.  Don’t ever doubt Him!  Brad and I get teary-eyed just thinking about the fact that had we not fought to save our marriage, our daughter, Abigail, wouldn’t be here today.  Thank you, God for not giving up on us!



And, so, we went to marriage counseling.  I remember feeling embarrassed that we had to go.  I didn’t even want to tell my parents.  When I did, though, my dad says (in his Mattoon southern accent) “Well, I’m sure you’re mother and I needed marriage counseling, we just never went to marriage counseling.” 
I will never forget the first 2,3 maybe even 4 of our sessions were just Brad and I talking and yelling at each other while the counselor just sat there with his mouth open.  For over a year we continued to go to counseling, and we made progress, but trust me, it got worse before it got better.  It seemed that for every step forward that we’d take, we would take 10 steps back.
At this point either one of us could have left.  Either one of us could have given up, but we didn’t.  We never gave up on us!  We kept trying to make it work!  It was tough.  It was not fun to hold the mirror up to our faces and to really take a good at ourselves and see how much we had hurt each other.  But we both faced our demons head on, and we were ready to get it all out!  Look out!!!
So much came out during these sessions.  We realized that we lived over 8 years with a marriage that was not God-centered.  It was a marriage that was not protected.  Because of that, the enemy attacked our marriage in every way.  We had so much brokenness that we didn’t even realize it.  We struggled with jealousy, selfishness, lack of trust, disrespect, lack of communication, lack of time together, lack of making our marriage a priority, depression, oh—and, don’t forget the 4 years of infertility thrown into the mix, and the list goes on.  All of this mess built up into 8 years of resentment, unforgiveness and anger towards one another.  It was ugly!
I will never forget the turning point for us:  I got so angry at him one night that I screamed and screamed at the top of my lungs about how mad at him that I was.  After that, I’m convinced that God shut my mouth because we didn’t talk to each other for 8 days!  Instead we wrote letters.  We wrote and wrote---page after page.  We got out everything!  Thousands of words.  Miles of hurt.  Eight years of questions.  Eight years of pain.  Eight years of destruction.  Out!  FINALLY----We were free!  Praise the Lord! 
Not to say that things were perfect from then on, but it was a start---a fresh start!  A start to freedom.  A start to a healthier communication.  A start to an amazing NEW friendship and love.  A start to rebuilding a marriage with a foundation of trust.  A start of a new marriage with God in the center just the way He intended marriage to be! 
In June of 2010, Brad and I celebrated our 10th anniversary.  After a year and a half of literally starting our marriage over and building it from the ground up, we chose to celebrate our FRESH START in a big way.  We traveled out to Napa California.  We wore our wedding attire and we renewed our wedding vows on a hot air balloon ride over the valley.  It was beautiful!  It was amazing!  It was heavenly.  I could feel God smiling.



We are still working on our marriage.  Marriage is always a work in progress.  WE, as individuals, are always a work in progress.  Brad and I thank God for pursuing us, changing us, and loving us so much that He used our past to help us build a better future.  He helped us to grow closer to each other and to Him.  And we are now able to set an example to our children as to what a healthy marriage should be.  We are so thankful that He never gave up on us.  He kept trying!  But that’s not all there is---we have to never give up too!  We have to keep trying too!  No matter what it is!  Obviously for me, it was my marriage.  For you, it might be something else.  No matter what your challenge is, just know that God will never give up on you and He will always keep trying to find new ways to pursue you! 
In honor of our 12th Anniversary, Brad and I came up with a list of 12 tips that have helped us to have a healthier marriage.  
1. Put God at the center of your marriage.  Pray together.  Pray for each other.  Pray!  Pray!  Pray!
2. Grow together.  Be willing to learn from each other.
3. Communicate.  Find out how you both communicate best.  And Listen!
4.  It is not your job to make each other happy.  We are in charge of our own happiness.  Instead, show each other unconditional love, encouragement, respect and support.
5.  Laugh together.  Find the humor in little things.
6.  Be honest—even if it’s not what the other person wants to hear.
7.  Don’t let the little things turn into big things.
8.  Always be on each other’s side.
9.  Admit when you’re wrong.  More importantly, tell your spouse when he’s/she’s right (even though it doesn’t happen that he’s right very often lol! J )
10.  Sometimes some things just don’t need to be said.
11.  Don’t let solvable problems be the robber of your time, energy, thoughts and joy.
12.  Find something you both enjoy doing together.  Be willing to try new things together and get involved in each other’s interests.  Be silly and have fun together!

THIS BLOG IS ENDING...If you'd still like to be encouraged and find a place where you can BE REAL about motherhood, marriage, and life, you can follow my at my new blog with 4Real Moms, BLESSED IN THE MESS. 


 

18 comments:

  1. Love you, Christine!!! God bless you and your husband and surround you both with His favor as with a shield. Thank you for this awesome testimony of truth and love. God is so amazing!!! :)

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    1. Thank you, Christine! I was new to blogging when I wrote this which is why I didn't comment back to you. Thanks for your love and encouragement as it's never easy to put our "junk" out there!

      Blessings-
      Christine

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  2. Very touching...thank you for sharing your story.
    What a fun surprise to see you and Brad on my Facebook newsfeed! (I love WBGL!). Looking forward to more posts!

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    1. Thanks so much! Our journey was a long one, but one that has grown us and shaped our marriage into something more beautiful than it ever was before!

      Blessings-
      Christine

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  3. Christine,
    While listening to WBGL, I heard Meredith give a plug for a blog about marriage that was celebrating an anniversary & had overcome issues.
    What a sweet surprise to see your pretty face when I went to the blog! I remember you from the Beth Moore studies that we attended together at Vineyard a few years ago.
    As I read through your entry, to say that I could relate is an understatement. My husband, Tim & I have been married for 22 years this year & have a 19 year old son. During our 20th year of marriage everything that I knew to be true about our marriage & life together fell apart. I was devastated, annihilated by the circumstances that we were facing. I wanted to walk away, leave, run as far as I could go. But I couldn't. I had made a covenant w/ God & w/ Tim & had always told our son that "divorce is not an option." I would look at our son & know that I had to stay & do the hard work. I didn't want him to be a product of a divorced marriage. Both Tim & I are from divorced parents; some multiple divorces & the effects of this are still lingering & we're 43 years old. I would really be put to the test over the next few months as we began counseling, learning to repair our marriage & gaining tools to keep it healthy. I will be eternally indebted to our friends/ counselors who helped us through this very difficult time.
    I wouldn't have made it through the past year without God carrying me. On really bad days, I would know that God loved me & that was enough no matter the outcome of our marriage. He gave me peace in the midst of some really bad storms.
    I'm sorry for the turmoil and pain in your marriage. I wouldn't wish on anyone the "war zone" we had to go through to get to a place of " safety." Like you, I wish I'd had someone tell me the truth about marriage, (all those years ago) how hard it can be, yet also how good it can be if God is first in it for both of you. I'm glad that your marriage is united with God first for both of you!
    Thank you for sharing your heartfelt journey in a real way. May God continue to bless each of you, your marriage & your family! Talor Ray

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    1. Wow! Thank you so much for sharing this, Talor! What a beautiful testimony you have too. It's interesting how easy it seems to just run away when in reality, that's a very difficult choice. Plus, at least for me, I would have taken all my issues with me. But he and I both stayed and faced our issues in our marriage and in ourselves. It was a painful time, but one of amazing growth and necessary change!

      Blessings to you and your marriage always!
      Christine

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  4. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes a great deal of courage to lay it all out there the way you have done. This is such an amazing story of God's healing and His miracles. It's also how you both have been willing to humble yourselves, take up your cross, and follow Christ in this. It is an example for all of us. I loved your dad's statement about how they probably needed to go to therapy and didn't go. I think every couple should go. It should be like going to the dentist -- regular check-ups, and if more work is needed, we go back for more work! No shame in it. Again, thank you for sharing!

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    1. Amen, Sara. I like that "regular check-ups" idea! I agree. No one truly prepares you for how challenging marriage can be. It does take so much time, love, dedication, selflessness, courage, strength and it truly takes the mind set that you're never going to give up!

      God bless you and your marriage!
      Christine

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  5. Thanks for sharing! I read somewhere that a successful marriage is made up of two good forgivers.

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    1. Love it! I just posted recently that "A 'perfect marriage' is just two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other."

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  6. Thank you so much for this, Christine. My marriage -- not quite 2 years old -- is in crisis. More than anything, my flesh wants out. This is SO HARD and I already did hard as my first husband was dying. I feel torn between my husband and my kids from my first marriage. But what I'm realizing is that my first, best loyalty and love shouldn't be to them. It's to the Lord and the vows I made to my husband, I made to and in front of the Lord as well. I can't see a way out but I know that God is faithful to keep His promises so I'm hanging on to that. Your story helps so much. Thank you for being so transparent.

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    1. Shelby--thank you so much for sharing your heart here. You're so right--MARRIAGE IS SO HARD!! No one talks about how hard it really is. I will be praying for God's wisdom over your new marriage. May He guide you with each next step and give you more passion and purpose as a couple. The Lord's plans for you will prevail!

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  7. Fun to read some of your posts. Marriage is indeed work. I am thankful for those who have and continue to be examples for me...so that when I meet my Mr. Right, we can work together on our marriage every day and love each other.

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    1. What a wonderful way to look at that Tara. God is so good to put others in our lives to be our teachers. Praying for God's perfect timing for "Mr. Right" in your life!

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  8. Laugh together, don't sweat the small stuff, and MOST DEF don't say everything you're thinking!!! (I practice this daily. It's like my mantra or something.)
    I loved this, Christine. It's real, it shows your struggles, and yet that God is still faithful to bring us around.
    He is GOOD!
    I'll be sharing this in the coming week!

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    1. Thank you Ruthie! It's the real "behind the scenes" look into a struggling marriage and God's goodness and faithfulness. You're so right--He is GOOD!

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  9. Christine, this is so good. Your 12 tips are right on! My husband and I will be celebrating our 42nd anniversary later this year. Some years have been better than others, and we've had our rough times, but we have not given up. Putting God at the center really is key to all the other things. Blessings to you and may God give you many more wonderful years together!

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    1. Congratulations Gayl! I think almost 16 years is a long time...I can't imagine 42? Awesome! Thank you for your prayer and blessings. May God bless you and your as well!!!

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