James 1:19
Marriage
Minute #3: Communicate--Find Out How You Communicate Best
Women
are talkers. In fact, there have been
studies that show that women talk nearly 3 times more than men. One source states that women speak 20,000
words in a day while men speak only 7,000 words. However, recently, I have discovered some
research that claims that this statistic is false and that women and men actually say
nearly the same amount of words in a day.
No way!!! Just ask my husband. Just ask my brother. Growing up, my mom
would ask my older brother a question like, “How was the dance?” His response…”Fine.” My mom would ask me the same question, and I
would tell her every detail—every song played, every song I danced to, every
conversation I had, how I was feeling at every moment, what everyone wore, what
the decorations looked like, who chaperoned, where we all went afterwards…well,
I think you get my point. I don’t care
what the new research says, I truly believe that women talk more than men
do.
Regardless
of who talks more, in a marriage, the important thing is that you talk. Brad and I learned two ways that we communicate best and get
out the “tough stuff”.
1.
Writing Letters or Emails: While going through some very challenging
times in our marriage, we realized that talking face to face was not the best
way for us to communicate. We would interrupt each
other too much. We would get angry. We would always end up yelling or fighting
and so we decided to write. Writing for
us allowed each of us to really stop and think about what we wanted to
say. Writing allowed us to get all of
our thoughts and feelings out without the other person jumping in before we had
a chance to finish. Writing gave us more
freedom to express ourselves honestly and openly. But the writing was just the starting point…it
was a way for us to begin a difficult conversation and give the other person a
chance to think and pray about a response.
Then we both felt ready to have a face to face conversation and commit
to resolving it together. I highly
recommend writing--especially if you have a lot of things you’ve been wanting
to say but haven’t or if you don’t seem to get anywhere during a tough
conversation.
2.
Sunday Night Chat: Again when we were going through some
difficulties in our marriage and especially after having kids, we realized that
we needed to set aside some time where we talked…really talked. So we picked one night a week where we sat
down together after the kids were in bed---no kids, no tv, no computer, no
sounds---just us. It was during this
time that we checked in on how we were doing, how we were feeling, and we gave
each other the opportunity to safely talk about anything we needed to “get out.” And it was helpful.
I love the verse from Ephesians 4:29: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only
what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may
benefit those who listen.” This week, I
pray for the communication in your marriage.
I pray for opportunities to talk to each other in whatever way works
best for you and your spouse. I pray for honest and open
conversations. I pray for break-throughs
in any closed areas. I pray that when you do talk that you will be, as the bible says, quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger. I pray that you
will both commit to making time and taking time to talk and, no matter who says
more words in a day in your marriage, you will use the words you do say to build
each other up!
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